Her hands were shaking.  

She took a deep breath, held it, and finally let it out.  Grasping the edges of the sink, she leaned forward.  She tried to steady herself.

How long has it been? A couple of days?

She rubbed her nose and looked at herself in the mirror.  Her red hair coiffed perfectly.  She looked better than she had ever looked when going out to the club, but she knew that something was amiss.  

 She got out her make-up bag which she had just knocked to the floor and brought it back to the sink.  As she checked to make sure nothing had broken or fallen out of place, her hands found their way to the baggie containing the fine white powder her body was craving.

Her fingers closed around the bag, reminding her of the claw machine game at the arcade.  As she started to lift it out of the recesses of her make-up bag she dropped it.

No.  I need to be there tonight.  I don’t need something bad to happen.  

Just like the claw game, she let the bag fall back to the make-up bag.  She watched it for a moment, finding the resolution within her to move on.  She knew that it would be calling to her all night though.  She hadn’t gone this long without it for quite some time.

And she hated herself for that.  

If you just took a little, you’d be fine.  It won’t hurt anyone and it will only settle your nerves.  

She clenched her fist, determined not to let herself win. Or lose.  

She grabbed the bag and stuffed it deeper into the make-up bag.  She knew that she didn’t need to be a coke-whore out on the dance floor, she just needed to look like one.  She pressed her left thumb into the palm of her right hand, hoping that the pressure would help steady them.  She took another deep breath and continued on.  

She took her time putting on her foundation and blush, she wasn’t in a rush to get to the club just yet.  She needed to take her time to make everything perfect.  She worked her way through her routine making sure that every move was the right one and forgetting about the plastic baggie tucked away in her make-up kit.  

Nearly done, she lifted the liquid eyeliner.  She looked past her hand to the mirror, focusing on her eye, but she became distracted by the tiny tremors.  The eyeliner started to bob up and down and the more she focused on it, the more of a problem it has become.  

“Okay, Letty.  Just calm down,” she said to herself.  She glanced at the white powder in her bag.  “Just a little won’t hurt right?”

Her hands steadied enough for her to clutch the bag and withdraw it again.  She gulped as she opened the bag.  Every inch of her being was screaming at her not to.  Every other inch was screamed asking what took so long. 

She dipped her finger into the bag and then raised it to her nose.  She didn’t need a line, she just needed enough to get through the next thirty minutes.  She bit her lower lip and swallowed her willpower.  

In a quick snort, it was gone.  She waited, looking in the mirror.  In that moment she hated herself.  She knew better.  She knew she was better.  She also knew that she was much, much worse than she gave herself create for. 

Soon those feelings faded.  Her hand stopped bobbing in the air.  

She felt like she had control of herself, but she knew the truth – she would never have control of herself.  

It took her seconds to finish her make-up.  She didn’t wear much of this stuff unless she was working, but she liked the way she looked.  She smacked her red lips together and blew herself a kiss.  She loved the dark crimson lipstick she wore. She knew the guys were going to like it too.

She collected her stuff back into her make-up bag and headed into the main room of the hotel.  The room was nothing fancy.  As she exited the room she looked head-on at the headboard of the stiff bed.  If you worked your angle right, you could see yourself in the mirror from the bed.  She’d have to remember that.  To the right of the bed was the exit out, to the left a window which she kept closed.  Below the window a sofa which Letty was sure hadn’t been cleaned in a while, but which held her bag. 

She headed to her stuff, placing the make-up bag back in its spot.  She looked it in tight so that if she brought anyone back tonight they wouldn’t be able to find her goods.  At least, that’s what she told herself.  She really knew what she did it so that it would be harder for herself to get to it.  

With that squared away, she slipped into the sparkly white dress she had hanging up on the lamp beside the bed.  

She glanced a look in the mirror from near the bed.  She didn’t recognize herself at all.  She couldn’t remember a time she looked so good.  Her phone began to ring, bringing her back to the present.  

She looked at the screen, the name Susan Green scrolled across the screen.  She ignored the call, she’d talked to Mrs. Green tomorrow, once she was more in her right head.  Once she had what the woman wanted.  

She threw her phone on the bed and turned back to her stuff on the couch.  From within her bag, she withdrew a smaller camera bag.  She took the camera bag to the foot of the bed and withdrew two GoPro cameras.  

She looked around the room surveying all the corners and out of the way places she might hide a camera.  One went under the television, the other she on the windowsill.  

She waved her hand and saw the dim light turn on indicating the camera was filming.  She reached back into her bag and withdrew some black tape.  It wouldn’t block out the recording light completely, but it would do enough.

She scanned the room, making sure everything was where she wanted it.  Nodding with approval, she grabbed her phone and ordered a Lyft.

Letty would have been lying if she said that she didn’t notice the driver looking at her as she approached the car.  She might be lying if she said that she saw him lick his lips as she wiggled her way into the backseat.  She knew that he had been staring at her ass though.

And she liked it.

Normally, she would have smacked the guy in the face for looking at her like that.  She hated it when a guy leered at her.  But tonight, the dress, the make-up, and the little sniff she had taken earlier made things a little different.

The Lyft over to the club was uneventful.  Paul, the man she was going to meet there had been texting her, asking when she was going to be there.  She had been talking to Paul for a while through texts.  They had met online about a week ago, and while he had been more than eager to meet, she had wanted to wait.  

She knew what Paul wanted, and she would give it to him.

Just like the white powder, she craved the intimate touch.  It was in her soul.  And just like the powder, she hated it.  She just couldn’t rid her system of that desire.

The Lyft pulled up to Club Boundary and stopped.  Boundary was just another name in a long list of names that had occupied this space and this clientele.  She hadn’t graced the place since it had been bought and renamed Club Boundary so she’d considered it the first.  Still, she had done lots of work at this place.  

The neon sign was different, but the rest of the unremarkable building was still the same.  As she opened the door to the Lyft, the muffled thud of a bass beat infiltrated her scull.  It got her excited, her toes started to curl inside her red high heels.  

“This place looks dope,” the driver said.  “Is the line always this long?”

“I’ve never been here before,” she lied.

As she got out of the car, she stood and straightened out her dress. She ran her hands down her hips before she reached down to “check her shoe.”  It was more of a show for the driver who she wouldn’t be able to tip any other way.   That sickening feeling of delight and disgust rising in the pit of her stomach was eased by the tiny amount of cocaine running through her system.

She started for the door.  As she neared the door she could feel all the guys’ eyes on her, their desire rising.  She also felt all the women’s eyes on her, judging and cursing her.  She was pretty sure they called her a whore or worse.  She never cared about them.  

She smiled as she approached the doorman.  

“Hey Steve,” she said. 

“Letty,” he said as he opened the door for her.  She felt the collective groan of the people in the front of the line.

“He here yet?” She asked as she passed him.

“He’s been here about ten minutes.  Been waiting on you.”

“Good,” she smiled and walked through the door.  “Thanks, Steve.”

“Just promise me something,” grabbed her as she started to pass.  “Whatever you’re gonna do, do it somewhere else.” 

“That’s the plan,” she said giving him a wink.

Steve had come with the club.  He had been the one stable thing in this nightclub over the years.  He was good at what he did, and she knew it from experience.  He had thrown her out a few times before.  That was years ago though.  

He smiled down on her as she passed him.  He towered over her, but he was a gentle soul to those that he knew.  Luckily for her after being thrown out a few times and tossing him a few dollars, he knew her.

He closed the door behind her and she could hear the sighs and complaints of those outside waiting.  She knew that she’d be pissed if she were in their shoes right now, but she didn’t care.

The music was thumping and the lights were all different colors.  People were crowded in the bar shoulder to shoulder.  She was reminded of the mosh pits she used to partake in when she was younger.  A simpler time back then.  She would dance, toke, and partake in everything.  She never had to worry about anything.

She pushed her way through the people standing blocking the door.  She felt the heat and the skin of all the people standing between her and the bar.  God, I need a drink, she thought as the smile crept across her face.  She loved being in the middle of a crowd.  It had been a while since she had been.  

“Hey Mike,” she said as she finally pushed through the last group of people blocking the bar.  The bartender nodded to her but didn’t stop pouring.

“The usual Letty?” he asked as he lit a shot glass on fire.  The group of guys at the bar in front of Mike cheered, then grabbed a shot glass of the flaming liquid and tossed them back.  She looked them over, examining each of the frat boys wondering if it would be worth it to be with one of them.  She decided no.  

Mike put the bottle down and grabbed the wad of cash they frat boys had placed on the bar.  It was more than enough for the shots.  She raised an eyebrow towards him. He cocked an eyebrow at her and raised his index finger to his lips.  

He made his way over to her.  He grabbed a scoop of ice and put it in a glass and dropped it in front of her.  Then he grabbed a handle of dark liquor and poured it halfway up the glass.  

Mike leaned over the bar towards her ear.  “Someone’s been looking for you,” he shouted and she could barely hear him over the pulsing of the bass. 

“Where is he?”

He nodded with his eyebrows.  

She didn’t turn towards it.  She didn’t want to make it that easy.  It could scare him off.  She needed him to worry that she wasn’t into him.  She leaned towards the nearest frat boy, dropping her shoulders and trying to maximize her cleavage.  

“Buy my drink?” she asked.

He scrunched his face together while he turned to examine her.  His shaved head lifting as his eyebrows did the same.  He started to nod.

She smiled at him, taking a sip of her drink and leaning closer into him.  She knew that she was at least ten years older than him, but the way she was feeling right now she didn’t care.  Plus she had to set the trap.  She just felt sorry for the frat boy.[ Set up that he deserved it before this.

Jarrett Smith 11/2/18, 6:48 PM]

It didn’t take long for her trap to work.  An older hand reached for the young man’s shoulder and gave it a shove.  The kid took an awkward and clumsy step back to steady himself. Backed up by his pack of frat boys, he bowed up to the new challenger.

An older man, with a heavy five o’clock shadow and a nice suit, didn’t seem worried about them.  All his attention was what was held in by the red dress she was wearing.  

Letty winked at the frat boy and lifted her glass towards him as the older man grabbed her hand and led her away from the bar.  She felt sorry for the young man.  He had just been challenged by an older man and lost, all in front of his friends.  She knew that it would be a while before he lived it down.  

Paul, the older man that had shoved the young kid, pulled her towards the back of the club towards the bottle service area.  She hadn’t thought that he would have bought bottle service in a place like this.  It probably cost a pretty penny.

As they neared the table, she examined the man.  He had looked just like his picture on-line.  His hair was still thick for a man of fifty.  He was muscular but round as if he had been an athlete in another life.  The muscles were still there, but they were covered in a layer of fat.  

She had expected class from Paul, he had lots of money after all.  His dark grey suit seemed expensive and out of place in a club like this.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked as he pushed her towards the seats he purchased for them for the night.

“I was getting a drink.  I didn’t realize you were already here, nor that you bought bottle service.”  She only had so much information about him, she didn’t know how his temper would be.  Still, he had fallen for her trap.  

“Well, I’m here.  I got this section for us.” He waved his hand towards the booth.  

“Impressive,” she said sipping on her drink.  He waited for her to enter the area.  

“I want to dance,” she said even though she entered the section roped off for them.  

“We can dance.  But let’s have a drink first.” He followed her to the area.  

“I already have a drink,” she said lifting her drink up.  

“I see.  How about a bump then?” He whispered loudly in her ear.  

They had danced around the subject while texting, but she had the suspicion that he was into harder things than alcohol.  

A subtle sly smile crept across her lips.  “Have you got some?”  

“I might have a little candy for my sweet,” he said whispering into her ear again.  

She knew that she shouldn’t.  She knew that she shouldn’t lose control around someone she just met.  She hardly knew the man that was offering her the hit.  She had done her research on him, but she couldn’t be really sure what he was capable of.

Still, everything she had found out about Paul told her that he was an ordinary man.  He worked at a law firm downtown.  He had been married for twenty years, but they had never had children.  He liked to spend his money.  She knew that he spent it on money and hookers, she had assumed some drugs too.  

But the urge to take a hit was stronger than her will to resist it.  

She could handle herself. She had handled men twice this man, that’s how she first met Steve. She had made it this far with a little hit.  She could just take a little bit and still maintain the situation.

He didn’t wait on her to accept.  In front of everyone, he made a small line on the palm of his hands.  He lifted it to her nose and she breathed in the release.  Her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she took everything into her lungs.

He watched as she took it all in.  When she finished, he put another line on his hand and did the same.  

She didn’t wait.  As soon as his eyes rolled back into place her lips were on his.  It was as if someone else had taken over her body.  Her body wanted the touch.  It wanted the sensation of his lips on her.  She pushed her hips into his, pulling his body closer to her.  He responded in kind.

He disgusted her at that moment.  She didn’t want any part of what was happening, but at the same time, she wanted more.  

As the kiss ended, he pulled her onto the dance floor.  Their bodies writhing in the crowd.  She lost herself, she lost everything in the beat.  If it wasn’t for the beat of the bass her heart would have lost its rhythm and she would have died.  

They danced the night away, lost in each other and the haze that they had created.  

She laughed as they stumbled into her hotel room.  She didn’t know why she laughed, she barely knew why she did anything.  She just knew that she needed him in her room.  

He stumbled in after her laughing as well.  

He caught her and ran his hands through her dark red hair.  He picked one of the long curls and wrapped the strand around his finger.  His other hand stroked her cheek.  

They kissed again.  She felt his dry lips and stubble this time.  She was losing her buzz but her desire was so strong she didn’t want to stop and do another hit.  

He picked her up and kissed her.  After being hoisted in the air, she wrapped her legs around him.  The two collapsed into the bed. 

An animalistic instinct took over control from her. She had enough patients to wait for him to make the moves.  She knew better than to initiate anything.

Inside she knew what she was doing was wrong, but she also knew that she had to do it.  She had no control.

As they finished they both looked up at the ceiling.  As he drifted off to sleep the drugs began to wear off and his guilt began to creep up.  It didn’t last long as the drugs and the exertion took over what was left of his consciousness.

She laid awake for a while longer.  She hated herself in this moment.  She hated what she had done.  She hated that she had no self-control.

Worst of all, she hated that she liked it all.

She stared up at the ceiling, praying for sleep.