Managing life as a family with one kid can prove difficult at the best of times. Throw in another younger child, and you have a recipe for demanding days and stressful nights. Managing quality time with two kids and ensuring everyone gets equal attention can be elusive.

The other day, while preparing for our tumultuous sleep with a child still in the throws of a sleep regression, my wife and I discussed how she felt distant from our oldest these days. So we set about to make some changes.

Life Before Two

Before we had two kids, our lives revolved around our only. I was still a teacher and coach, so I felt lucky to see my son most days. Since school started so early, I would leave the house before anyone woke.

That would leave my wife to tend to our child. She would wake up and get ready while preparing our child for the day. Then she would leave for work, and her mother would watch him until one of us returned, usually Mama.

We would always spend as much time as we could playing, going for a walk, or doing something.

On the weekends, if I didn’t have a competition, we would try to drum up something of interest for our son, like going to the zoo or the park.

We continued to do this leading up to the birth of baby two.

Adapting to Two

Once baby two came, everything changed. No matter how much I tried to keep it normal for the oldest. It didn’t help that the week our newest family member arrived, our oldest came down with an illness that brought fever and restless nights.

When my wife went into the hospital, I would run back and forth between the hospital and home to take care of them both. I ended up spending every night at home with my son. I felt guilty that I wasn’t there to help my wife at night after the baby came. I also didn’t want to bring a virus to our little newborn’s life his first week.

So, I got to spend a good chunk of time with our oldest before we brought the baby home. He recovered in time, but unfortunately, everyone caught his virus in the coming days.

Once we were all healed, I did what I could for all of us. I would support my wife and newborn while spending as much quality time with my oldest. I would find time to take him to play somewhere like a park. We got some great quality time in.

I didn’t want him to feel like all the attention was on the baby. I wanted him to feel special, too. I did everything I could to give him attention and affection.

As the newborn got older and Mama recovered, we spent more time together as a family. We all went to do things. We even took a trip to New York City.

But then mom’s maternity leave ended.

Since I left the teaching profession, I got to care for the boys more. I became an accidental stay-at-home dad.

My mother-in-law still came over to help out. It became easier for her to take the newborn and for me to take the oldest. He and I continued to do things together, and I continued to look for things for him to do outside the house. We went to story times at the local libraries, played at the park, and went to trampoline parks.

We got to bond in ways that no one else got at the time.

But that also put me behind with my newborn. I started getting too much of the oldest. We would drive each other a little crazy.

I grew jealous of everyone who got to deal with the baby and just wanted a break from the oldest sometimes.

Making Adjustments for More Quality Time with Two Kids

As much as possible, I tried to find some balance. My mother-in-law took a two-month trip, so I had to wrangle both boys alone. Luckily, we also started a two-day-a-week school for the oldest. I got much-needed time in with the youngest and continued to spend time with the oldest.

Meanwhile, when my wife was around, the baby still needed her. Since I couldn’t feed the youngest, almost all her time was stolen away from the oldest. My wife is a superwoman, though, and still tries to make time to help with bedtime for the oldest.

But things started to crack in all the relationships. We weren’t balanced. The time I got with my youngest was only when we were alone. My wife hardly got quality time with the oldest.

One night, we had a conversation about it. She admitted to me how she missed how the oldest used to pick her to stay at bedtime for a little extra time. We discussed the current situation and how I missed out on time with the youngest.

So we made a plan. She would take the oldest to do things without me more often. They hadn’t done that since I was teaching, and I felt some serious FOMO (fear of missing out), but I knew it would help all three of us. It would give me a much-needed break, giving them extra time together. While they left to do their thing, I would chill with our now infant.

Easier Said Than Done

Look, in hindsight, it seems so simple. When you’re in the thick of it, though, nothing is simple. Everyone is doing what they can to survive and support their kids as best they can. While we probably knew what was happening, we were stuck in our roles until we had that conversation.

But executing the plan isn’t as easy as coming up with it.

My wife offered to take the oldest to the park by herself the next day, but he didn’t want to go without me. He refused to go. She even offered to take him for ice cream after, but he still wouldn’t budge.

We needed baby steps to get the plan to work. We all went to the park, but instead of me taking him to the swings, I put the youngest in the harness on my chest and walked around. That allowed Mom some play time.

And it worked. I went on a walk with the baby while mom stayed back and played for the first time in a long time. I had a great time with the youngest, and the oldest regained his connection with his mom.

That week, the oldest asked mom to stay at night for the extra time.

Now, admittedly, since then, we’ve all been sick again. We haven’t gotten to split up and balance out the time between kids, but we still plan to.

Making A Plan

If you’re in the thick of it, I encourage you to discuss the things on your mind. They might not be able to be fixed, but you at least can gain an understanding of the situation.

A new addition to the family creates such a dynamic switch it’s not easy for anyone involved. Just know your kids will love you back as long as you’re showing love.

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