My oldest is almost three and a half years old and the brightest light in my life. We are currently in the threenager stage, a stage filled with difficult emotions, a war for independence, the fear of abandonment, and more.
But then again, this stage is tough for everyone.
As a first-time parent, I learned a few parenting tips along the way that I wish I had done differently. If you’re a first-time parent, here are some tips that might help you avoid some of the mistakes I made:
1. Leave Your Child Alone More to Foster Independence
As new parents, it’s natural to want to give your child all the attention you can give. However, it’s important to give them space to develop their independence. I wish I had known this earlier on with my first child. With my second child, I found that leaving him alone for a few minutes helped him develop his independence much faster.
Everyone dotes upon the firstborn. It’s completely natural. You have brought life into this world, and it’s a miracle. If you are lucky enough to have Maternity or Paternity leave, you spend all that time just trying to survive and take care of your child. You learn the ropes, flying by the seat of your pants.
But your child becomes the center of your universe.
That brand-new child will get all the attention you can give it. I spent innumerable hours just watching him sleep. When he woke up, I played with him as much as possible. If you have relatives nearby, I’m sure they also come over and spoil the baby.
Three years later, I spend most of my time entertaining my child.
With my second child, I found out babies can operate without you for a second. I’ve had to leave my infant alone to deal with my toddler. When I came back, my baby was just fine. I feel like because of my inability to give him all my attention, he has developed an independence the oldest didn’t.
I remember when my oldest was an infant, he woke up crying once. My wife and I both woke up to the cries, and I told her that I would get him. I thought she would come after me, and we would play, so I hadn’t thought to use the restroom before I got the baby. I thought I would get him, we would all play, and then get to use the bathroom.
Instead, she went back to bed. I stayed with my baby for fear of him doing something to get himself hurt. So, I continued to hold it until my wife woke up thirty minutes later. I just couldn’t bring myself to use the restroom because I couldn’t leave my baby unattended.
My youngest gets left alone frequently (but only for a few minutes, and I make sure he is safe). In fact, when he was only three months old, he started to army crawl while I was away dealing with something else. He wanted to get around, so he did. He is so much more independent than my firstborn.
But all of that is natural. Parents dote on their firstborns in ways other children don’t get. It’s all a learning experience. I wish I had known to let him be a little so that he would have developed more independence.
2. Teaching Your Child to Play Independently
Playing with your child is incredibly important, but it’s also important to teach them to play independently. It will help them develop their imagination and creativity. I wish I had started doing this earlier with my first child. With my second child, I found that he was able to play alone better because I had given him the space to do so.
I love playing with my kids—I do. It’s one of my favorite things about being a stay-at-home parent. However, I struggle to act as a playmate all day. My oldest has struggled to play by himself. If we have a friend over, they will go crazy and not even talk to me unless they need a snack. But when it’s just us, he needs me to play.
This morning, he threw some toys at me and told me I had to be four characters. Blurry-eyed from just waking up, I struggled to know what was happening.
I wish I had let him play by himself more as an infant. That way, our time playing together would be more unique than expected. Of course, I love that I have been able to help foster his imagination.
There is something about the ability for kids to play by themselves, though. I can see it poke through with my oldest more now. I adore watching him play alone; the conversations he makes and the games he plays brighten my heart. Those moments are just too few.
3. Finding Time for Self-Care as a Parent: Why Using a Babysitter is Essential
As a new parent, it’s easy to get consumed by your child’s world and neglect your own needs. However, it’s important to take care of yourself as well. Using a babysitter can help you and your partner find time for yourselves. I wish I had used a babysitter earlier on with my first child. It would have helped us build a relationship with someone else who could take care of him when we needed a break.
Once that first child comes, everything outside their world can become inconsequential. Before our first arrived, we promised to make time for each other and that our baby wouldn’t consume us.
Between babies and work, time became hard to come by. We wanted to spend all the time with the baby. We were lucky that my wife’s mother lived with us for a few years while our oldest grew. We would depend on her to watch the baby sleeping so that we could sneak off to a movie or dinner occasionally.
Now, with two, we rarely find time to do anything for ourselves.
For my wife’s birthday the other day, we took the kids to her mom’s apartment. She would watch them while we went off for an hour to celebrate her birthday. My oldest didn’t like that.
As we dropped him off and left, he didn’t understand what was happening. He thought we were abandoning him. He has held on to those feelings for a couple of weeks now.
I wish my wife and I had done more to be gone for things other than work more often as he aged. I know kids this age fear being alone and abandoned, but I think it would have helped to know that even if we leave, we will return.
Using a babysitter also could have helped him build a relationship with someone other than a family member. Having someone he trusts when we leave might help mitigate those feelings of fear.
4. Changed Jobs Sooner
Finally, I wish that I quit my job coaching sooner.
There were several reasons I stayed on coaching. I loved working with the kids on my team, being outdoors, and playing tennis with them. I also had a run of assistants I didn’t feel could step up and run the program the way it needed until last year.
But I missed so much time with my son. I had multiple days in a row that if I got to see him, it would only be for an hour or two unless Mom brought him up to a competition.
Of course, I never meant to be a stay-at-home dad. Still, I wish that I had made a career change sooner.
I do have a slight fear that as my oldest ages, he won’t understand why I changed when his younger brother came and not for him. I try to ensure they know I love them equally, but that is a significant change, and I’m not sure how I would explain it. I hope that he realizes that he was the reason I wanted to make the change in the first place.
Parenting Tips From a Parent of Two
Remember, parenting is a learning experience, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Hopefully, these tips will help you navigate the challenges of first-time parenting with a little more confidence.
I would have done these things differently with my firstborn, but that doesn’t mean I regret anything. None of these things are deal-breakers that would ruin his life; they are simply little things that I think I would do differently if I had known then what I know now. I say these more as a guide for soon-to-be parents or those with babies.
I love my kids, and everything I do is for their benefit. Hopefully, they know how much I love them and what I’ve done for them. I think as long as I keep showing up and showing them love, they will.
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