Growing up, many people thought being a stay-at-home parent was a dream job. You get to sit around do nothing, but deal with the kids. It seemed like a great situation.

But that’s not the case.

I never thought it would be easy to be a stay-at-home parent. After becoming a stay-at-home dad for the last two months, I have learned to have a greater respect for those who choose this path. Staying at home and caring for the kids has challenged me in ways I never thought I would.

Here are the five things I’ve learned as a Stay-at-home dad so far.

No Time To Yourself as a Stay-At-Home Parent

The biggest thing I learned is that I have no time to myself. When my wife and I dreamed of having kids, I knew that if one of us had to stay home with them, it would be me since she brings in much more money and works fewer hours than I did. But when I envisioned that future, I imagined I could still work and do things I needed to do.

That is pretty far from the case, though.

Once a kid is awake (or even if they wake in the middle of the night with a stomach bug), my time is not my own anymore. As soon as I get to the kids’ room, I am now a scheduler, teacher, playmate, and more. I can’t count the number of times I have walked into my son’s room and been directed to play with a stuffed animal or make shadow puppets on the wall.

Even when I have to stop playing to make a meal or handle some house business, I am bombarded with cries to come to play or a co-chef that will likely mess up whatever I’m doing.

When I try to play, I’m usually told I’m doing it wrong, or the play is too simple, I grow bored and want to do anything else. We spent an hour one day moving a Batman and Superman action figure into a Batmobile, then onto a different play space on the other side of the room. We took the figures out, put them back in, returned to where they started, and repeated several times. I’m told I’m doing it wrong when I try to add a complication or change things up.

The play is just so mindless. I want to get my phone out and do anything else, but I try really hard to give them attention. I know this phase will be gone before I know it, so I want to give it everything I can for each of my kids. I can endure moving back and forth between two play spaces and not having grand adventures every day because I know I’ll miss it when it’s gone.

But it’s hard to realize it in the moment, especially when you haven’t had a chance to do anything that you want to do in days/weeks/months.

I forget that I need to take care of myself sometimes. Stay-at-home parents need the chance to get away and do something they want. It will refresh their mind.

So, if you are the stay-at-home parent and you’ve forgotten to take care of yourself, plan to do that right now. If you are the working parent, schedule some time for your spouse to go and do something away from the home when you can.

Taking that mental break can be a relationship saver. It can even bring in some fresh new ideas to improve playtime.

A Rage Like No Other

Look, I was a coach. I raged. I yelled at my players until my face turned red. However, most of it was an act. I’m a pretty laid-back person. Not much truly got me riled up.

Then I had a kid.

I’m unsure what it is about having kids that can bring out a particular rage. Some of it has to do with your child’s mental capacity to understand things. Just yesterday, my son wouldn’t stop asking me to help him with something in his car seat while I was driving. I explained I couldn’t do anything until we stopped. Yet he continued to ask me to fix it the entire way home. Isn’t it great that you never hit a red light when you need to?

I got so frustrated with him for not understanding me that I lashed out. I apologized and tried to explain why I did what I did, but he still didn’t understand.

But I have had more rage moments since my children were born than ever before. It even got to a point where my wife mentioned how frustrated and angry I seemed.

Your kids will push your buttons in ways that you can never imagine. When I’m in the moment and the frustration is rising on both sides, it’s hard to remember that they don’t understand things. I try to always come back to talk about things after we have cooled down a little to explain why I got frustrated and assure them that I love them. I’m not sure he understands completely, but I think it does help.

Guilt

The other day, I needed some time to myself. I grew frustrated at home and bored with play, so I scheduled a dinner with friends. I felt so excited about it in the days leading up to it. I hadn’t been out to dinner without a kid in months, maybe even a year.

Once the time came for me to leave for dinner, my guilt almost consumed me.

I know time away is needed for everyone. I know that I need to do things for myself and my mind to get exercise. But as I prepared to leave, I felt terrible about leaving everyone behind.

I know how hard it is to juggle two small children, so I hate leaving my wife alone. It’s not because I don’t think she can handle it, but because I know it’s easier with help.

Yet, I need time to recharge. I need time to explore who I am as an adult. To do things I’m interested in that don’t involve action figures. But as I leave the house alone, I feel selfish.

I know these moments where the kids want me around will disappear eventually. I try to keep that in mind. But I also know I can’t ignore myself for the next eighteen to twenty years or however long it will be.

Guilt will pop up all over the place at any time, too. Sometimes, I’ll be cooking, and then my toddler will demand that I stop and play. Obviously, I can’t just stop cooking, but my tiny boss doesn’t understand that. I try to explain, but the next thing I know, I’m dealing with a toddler meltdown while trying not to burn whatever I’m cooking.

Interestingly, when I was working, I didn’t feel the guilt as intensely. My work schedule kept me away for hours. I would go days without seeing my son if we had a late competition or a tournament. I felt guilty then and did everything possible to keep that from happening. But I didn’t feel guilty going shopping for an hour back then. Now, I get crippling anxiety about spending time and money on myself.

Now that I’m always home, getting away from the family for over an hour feels traumatic.

Instincts

A lifetime in education helped prepare me to be a dad, but it is wild how your instincts kick in.

I grew up the baby of the family. Other than teaching, I’ve never taken care of another person. I’d never even changed a diaper.

Before kids, I feared that I wouldn’t know what to do, but my intuition often leads me in the right direction. No one showed me how to put a diaper on, but it became like second nature once the baby came.

While there are things I’ve learned from others, my instincts kicked in pretty strong. While I might not always know exactly what to do, my gut led me towards an answer.

No one had to tell me that when a kid gets fussy, it is usually sleep or hunger that could set them off. But when I notice my son reaches a certain point, I know he needs food or sleep.

I’m sure part of it came from my upbringing. Unlike many, I feel like my parents did a great job raising me. They provided a great model for me to draw from.

So when my son does something or asks me something, and I don’t know the answer, I don’t panic. I trust my instincts and don’t feel they have steered me wrong.

Love Like No Other

Above all, I have experienced a love like no other.

It isn’t always easy. In fact, it’s more difficult than easy most of the time. But I love my life.

To have someone smile at me or run to me when they are scared can’t be explained. My heart warms up whenever my son says he loves or needs me.

Ironically, he doesn’t tell me he loves me much, but I know he does. He comes to me for everything.

The other night, my wife and I were putting our oldest to sleep together. We already had him in his bed, and he was lying down. I needed to use the restroom, so I told him I loved him but needed to go. He grabbed my hand and held it to his chest, asking me not to leave.

It is hard to explain, but my heart felt so full. I felt so loved and needed. The world felt right. I knew I could hold it a little longer, so I waited for him to fall asleep. He held my hand next to his chest while he did so.

I hope to raise them so they become great human beings. I hope they can see how much I love them and devote my life to them, and I hope they pass it on to the next generation they raise.

While I might get frustrated or bored, it makes everything feel better when they lean on me.

I’m Grateful for my New Position

Despite all the boredom, frustration, and guilt that arises when I find time for myself, I love my life. I wouldn’t trade anything.

Of course, I would like some time to myself and would love to contribute to the family more monetarily, but that doesn’t mean I would return to the way things were before.

I love my family, and I would do anything to help them.

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