It’s been over a year since I became a stay-at-home dad. I didn’t intend to be a stay-at-home parent when I left teaching. I wanted more time with my family than coaching allowed. But one thing led to another, and here I am.

This year at home has been eye-opening. Being a stay-at-home parent is not what I was expecting. So here are some things I’ve learned in the past year.

This Is The Most Mentally Demanding Job Ever

Being a stay-at-home dad has been the most mentally demanding job I’ve ever had. I’ve taught tennis, worked at a giant Barnes and Noble in the book and music sections, and worked construction, even building treehouses for a time, but mainly, I taught high school English and coached. Stay-at-home parenting is more demanding than all of them combined.

Teaching brought challenges. I experienced frustrating times, but that frustration left when the bell rang.

As a stay-at-home parent, when something frustrates you, there is no escape. You are around them all the time.

Never Get A Break

Being around your kids all the time doesn’t offer breaks, either. You are a parent at all hours of the day. There is no escape.

When they are sleeping, you are still on duty. If someone wakes up in the middle of the night, it’s game time.

It gets increasingly more challenging when you’ve been around them every hour of the day. As hard as it is, it helps to find ways to escape for everyone’s sanity, but when I’m away, I miss them. It’s a crazy relationship.

Some Many Nos

With my three-year-old, I feel like I’m saying “no,” “stop,” and “listen to me” more than anything else. I hate that about myself sometimes, but if I let these kids do whatever they want, someone will get hurt, or they won’t grow into good citizens.

I know this is a season of life. Three-year-olds test boundaries and push limits. They are curious little creatures that want to explore everything.

My one-year-old loves to explore as well. He gets into everything. He grabs everything, but he has yet to master walking without falling. I am constantly redirecting him or trying to keep him from falling.

In hopes of keeping them safe, I say “no” too often. I can feel in my soul that I have become such a negative presence and hate it. Still, this voice in my soul rises up and tells me to make them stop. It is so difficult for me to let them play in the sandbox an hour before we need to go somewhere just because I don’t want to deal with cleaning them.

This goes for social interactions as well. My oldest is learning how to interact with the world and people. From all the reports I get from school and friends, he’s doing a good job, but when he’s with me, I feel like I am constantly stopping him from doing something.

For example, we were swimming at our neighborhood pool the other night. He went underwater and took a purposeful mouth full of water. When he came up, he spit all the water into my face. Of course, he found this funny and tried to do it again. I tried to correct this action so he wouldn’t do it to anyone, but he didn’t listen. This resulted in us sitting out of the pool for a time-out.

Once again, I felt like the person who ruined all the fun, even though I knew I was setting boundaries and expectations and he was not meeting them. It still weighs on me, and I wish I could help bring more fun back into our world.

The Mute Button Is Always On

Since I’m constantly correcting behavior, the kids have put a permanent mute button on me.

It doesn’t matter what I’m telling or asking them; they don’t listen to me. I could ask if they want to ride a kangaroo or eat a brick; they don’t want to answer, which frustrates me. Of course, Kids act differently around the people they trust.

Despite the lack of acknowledgment, I know my words are sinking in. I might not get answers to my questions, but I see the things I’m trying to get across in their actions and the reports from school. I can see it when they play with friends.

I just want to know what they want to eat before I go crazy trying to figure it out.

Bored and Lonely

It is unbelievable how I can be around my kids all day and still feel lonely. Of course, our mental levels are different, and most of our conversations are about silly, made-up things or corrections, yet I feel so lonely.

I count the minutes until my wife gets home or when I can go out to do something with other adults. Since my day is so long, it’s nice to commiserate with someone else who can understand my day. It’s also nice to have help at home.

When our day involves entertaining toddlers and babies, thinking about things you want to do can be challenging. I yearn to do something productive most of the time, but I can’t ever leave the room my toddler is in. He will either panic or follow me. I haven’t found a way to write while my kids are around because they constantly demand my attention. Plus, I feel guilty getting on my devices to write when I’ve had to deal with an emotional meltdown because I told my toddler to get off his tablet.

I’m lucky many of my wife’s friends had children around the same time we had ours. It makes a difference if you can group parents sometimes. Of course, there aren’t many stay-at-home dads out there, and I am the odd person out when it comes to these playdates. It even makes for a weird dynamic at home since I get to see my wife’s friends more than she does these days.

But sharing the load and getting to be around adults helps. Plus, it is one of the few times my oldest will leave my side. He will run off with his friends and play as long as I let him.

The Good and Bad of Becoming The Default Parent

Since I’ve been home, I have become the default parent. My wife and I do our best to share the parenting workload; however, since I’m home with the kids most of the day, they come to me for almost everything.

For my ego, it is a blessing and a curse.

It makes me feel loved that I’m the one they turn to, but at the same time, it can be so much. I love that my kids trust me to deal with all their issues, but I don’t love it when they need something from upstairs, and they annoy me until I get it.

I will admit there are times when the kids go to mom, and I get jealous. I want my kids to be able to trust both of us. I don’t want to be the only one they think can handle their issues, but it hurts just a little when they go to someone else after always coming to me. I hate that feeling because I know my wife is more than capable of doing everything

Everything Comes in Waves

One thing I’ve noticed is that everything comes in waves.

If you follow me on Threads, you’ll notice that I use it to vent my struggles with my oldest. But you might not notice that most of those posts come close together.

I’ve noticed the ebbs and flows of toddlerism. We’ll struggle with emotions for a while, but after a week or two, we’ll have a period of great times.

Kids are learning and struggling with life. You don’t master something and never falter with it. They might get control of their emotions, but they’re going to have lapses and struggles as well.

So it’s progress, and then it’s regression, and then it’s progress again. Things will always get better.

Watching Them Grow

The best part of being home with them is watching them through these waves. Despite my desire to get away from my kids sometimes and to have more “me-time,” I know that I couldn’t go back to my previous job, where I barely got to see them.

Learning New Skills

My oldest has learned to swim underwater, pedal a tricycle, and speak more Spanish in the past month and a half. Seeing him develop these new skills is incredible and fills me with pride.

I love that he loves showing me that he can do these things and wants to share them with me.

My youngest has grown so much in the last few months—as babies tend to do. Seeing him walk and run all around the house has been a joy.

Lately, he’s gotten obsessed with books. He runs to his room, grabs books, and brings them to me wherever I am. Then he jumps in my lap and asks me to read, even if only for a page or two.

If I weren’t home, I would still catch some of these moments; however, getting immersed in them is a different experience.

Really Knowing Them

It’s wild how well I know these kids now.

Before I stayed at home, I thought I knew my son. I knew what he liked and what he didn’t like, etc. Today, though, I know him even better than I thought possible.

It’s funny when I let someone else do something for my sons. I know immediately how things will likely go. I’ve watched as someone tries to do something that I know they’ve stopped liking or grown on from.

I know I could step in and let them know he likes it differently, but I want him to experience new things. Sometimes, someone will do something different than I do, which is successful, and we find a new way to do things. I also like allowing things to continue so that my son will see other people do things the way I tried to do the first time.

Since I’m always home, I tend to know what they are trying to say better than anyone. It’s funny to watch my son try to explain something to someone, and they have no clue what he is talking about, but I do. It’s like a little secret language we have.

Picking Battles Goes Unseen

One thing that can frustrate me is when people think I’m not picking my battles. You know the saying you don’t have to fight over everything. They are correct! You should choose your battles because not everything needs to break into a fight.

However, when I lose my temper and begin to yell, you need to know that I have been pushed to the limit. It might not be the issue that drove me there, but it might be the tip of the iceberg.

My biggest battle comes down to something that all kids seem to do well: ignore their parents. As I mentioned before, that mute button comes on all the time. It appears I have to lose my mind to get the kids to listen to me sometimes.

So, at the end of the day, when I start to yell after I ask the kids to do something and I get no response, know it isn’t because of that one time. It is because of the constant lack of response or action over the hour, day, week, or month.

But everything comes in waves, even my temper. There are times when I’m more patient, too. But it has been an issue for a long time when you aren’t around the kids all day, and you only see a little bit of interaction to cause a rift.

Grateful

I don’t miss teaching. I have strange feelings about not having a job that brings in money for the family, but I also know that I’m in the right place. I’m grateful to my family for allowing me to be in this position to do this.

As much as I look forward to or stress about what comes after the babies are grown and out of the house more, I’m so thankful I get to spend these days with them.

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